Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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