I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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