your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
