I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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