you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
God, I missed his penis.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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