Apparently you make a good broom.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
