wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Is it because I queefed?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
