its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
