That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
