Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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