I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
