In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
