I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
