How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
