dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
