He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
