I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
