I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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