I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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