nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
