Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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