Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
