I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
