On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
