just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
