The best revenge is premature balding
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you inspire me to be a worse person
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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