I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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