i would punch a child for taco bell
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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