my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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