the condom got lost in my hair
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
even my farts smell like vagina
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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