Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
