Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
