I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
