half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
