I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
