he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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