his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
