I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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