She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just high enough for therapy.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
