Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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