You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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