I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
