I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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