My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
