dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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