i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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