Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just googled if crying burns calories
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
