i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
