I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
