I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
